I smiled and nodded in response and her next statement stunned me, especially being said in a place that is supposed to bring out the best in you. Though I don't fault her in the least for her honesty, and I well remember the time that I, too, was in that mindset.
"Don't you just hate it?"
My confusion and shock at that question must have shown on my face because she followed with, "Or do you?"
"No, not really," I told her, "It is what it is. I mean, yeah, it's difficult, but I don't hate it, in fact it's brought a lot of blessings along the way. For one thing, If it weren't for that, among other things, I probably wouldn't have found my way here to Unity."
Her expression softened and she nodded, and I could tell she had food for thought, so I left it at that.
And I spoke truthfully. Most of the time it just is what it is and there are many positive changes in my life that would not have happened had this not happened. I have been through my grieving process. But I am at a point that braces and crutches aiding my walking to me is no different than wearing my glasses to see clearly.
Still there are times that, in all honesty, it does get to me a bit. And, in particular, one aspect that still bleeds through and bothers me is the fact that it taxes my reserves, and a good day is followed by days when I just am wore out by the events of the day before. Today happens to be one of those days. Sunday I went to church. Yesterday I spent time with jarlina and her family. And today, I had to drag myself out of bed. And I know that there are things I need to do here, but I am running on empty.
I'm looking into trying to get an ultralight wheelchair, in particular a Quickie 2 (whether the original Quickie 2, the Quickie 2 HP, or the Quickie 2 Lite). I got a power chair last year, and had many mixed feelings on that transition, I was glad and yet I resisted using it to the extent that my doctor wants me to use it, using it more as my "car", plus the fact that it's not practical when you don't have a van with a ramp. But I've gotten to a point where I am emotionally ready to use an ultralight wheelchair, like the Quickie 2 (I don't have the upper body strength for a regular weight wheelchair) and I'm trying to find a way to get one. That way I could take it with me when going with friends in their cars. (Medicaid won't pay for a chair since I have the power chair... they fail to recognize that many disabled people have need for different mobility devices for different situations, like the fact that the power chair can't be transported in a regular car.) But I recognize the fact that I would have a lot more reserves if I were using a wheelchair more often, plus be a lot safer, which is my doctor's main issue since I fall a lot.
I don't know how I will be able to get one, but I have faith that will work out somehow I'm checking out various organizations, so far to no avail. MDA currently isn't paying for equipment as they've had fewer donations with the economy being as it is. So, my dear people, I'd love it if you could help out others like myself by donating to them. Hopefully, once they get more donations, they will be more inclined to start that program up again. If you know of a group that might help me, let me know, I'm all for brainstorming this.
I am also checking into eBay, etc. I've found some there. This is one of the cheapest of the size I need (It's hard to find them in the standard adult size, believe it or not, most are too wide or too skinny for my butt) And while it doesn't have anti-tippers nor, most likely, a seatbelt, those could be added easily enough. But so far I've not had the money for that, not even one going as cheaply as this one. But, it will work out somehow. As my minister reminds us all the time, "How" is none of my business.
But, it is what it is, and I'm okay with that. I may get frustrated at times, but really, it's just a thing. And with so much good stuff going on, I'm not going to drag myself down by focusing on this one difficulty. In fact, I just got called by Carla, and I'm going to a seminar tomorrow to learn about serving on the HEART Network. That call, and that opportunity, just made my day, and I am so looking forward to tomorrow.